Within me there is duplicity;
A couple, a double, a team, a pair.
It must be said they lack synchronicity,
Often leaving me in despair.
He says love, he says hate;
One says love, the other one – castrate.
They each have their turn at ruining my life,
Whether that’s being walked all over; or murdering my wife.
I do love you, I do, I just love myself more
And if you can’t deal with that I’ll show you the door.
I hate everything about your wonderful, charming little face,
And I’d kiss you; but I can’t stand your race.
We fight, we quabble, we get things done,
Though I miss you like a favourite shop.
And I could kill you – just for fun,
But I promised my better half that I’d stop.